Saturday, January 16, 2010

Part 1/4: flattopSF’s Top Ten Super-Gay Reasons He’s Not A Mormon Anymore

1. Does anything they believe make any sense? Fourteen-year-old sees doG the Father, Jeebus H. Christ, and Casper the Holy Ghost? Riiiiiiiight. Eternal Polygamy Math, anyone? 1+ 34 = Prophet! (And Mormons accuse teh gheyz of being promiscuous?!? Sheesh!) Here’s some Free Agency: I want some of whatever Smith was smokin’. It musta been good.

2. God? doG? Either way you look at “him,” anything that demands THAT much devotion from you and gives absolutely nothing back is seriously dysfunctional. See a psychologist and learn to develop REAL relationships.

3. Because who needs to live their life according to what some pathetic bigoted murderous old redneck corporate thugs 1,500 miles away dictate? Shove a cricket-choked seagull up your collective puckers, @$$-holy-O douchebags.

4. Because there are a lot of better things to do with 10% of your hard-earned income. Shopping and lunch, anyone?

5. Because let's face it: churchchurchchurchchurchchurchchurchchurch seven days a week is not only mind-numbingly boring, it leaves you no time to have a life. When do they even have time to fuckin' fuck and make all those kids?

6. Because those temple clothes are a really big fashion don’t. Really. Big. Faux Greek Baker meets Fig Leaf? It looks Too-pud on thin people and it looks Poppin’ Fresh on tubby ones. Eew. If that's the celestial garb, send me to hell now. I'll take a stark-naked real-live Greek any day of the week, thanks.

7. Because any group of people who would censor a Rodin sculpture and call it pornographic are uncultured rubes at best and idiot hillbilly philistines at worst.

8. Because Mormon women are simply way too conflicted to mold into adequate fag-hags.

9. Because Mormon men are so infected with the Power of their Holey Penishood that they‘re knuckle-draggingly unattractive in every way. (OMG, how superficial was that?)

10. Because I'm gay. If that ain't good enough for them, well too fuckin’ bad.

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly,
flattopSF loves another gay man, no lie.
Won‘t stop lovin’ that man o‘ mine.

Ed. Created by Kerry Rutz.

1 comment:

Brian said...

Go flattop, go flattop!