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Saturday, April 24, 2010
For Briggy and Matt
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Why I Fight the DJ Wins!
First and foremost, you gotta go to Bo Bartlett's site and check out his work. He is a phenomenal artist, and while he's not a native son of The City of Brotherly Love, he did study at The Pennsylvania Academy of Fine Arts, was Andrew Wyeth's protege and neighbor in Chadds Ford, PA, and Bo is just an all-around nice guy.
This picture is his painting, "Goddess," lifted off his site, and I hope I don't get hit with a DMCA take-down notice, because this is the best. painting. ever. I also love this one and this one. I love Bo. A lot.
Hokay, so now that I've hopefully sung enough praises of Bo that I won't get slapped down by his lawyers, I'm going to give you some background on why I fight the DJ and how it all started.
Once upon a time, I was a commenter at Jezebel, and I used to lurk Wonkette. Megan Carpentier [Ed. - Ugh. Air America went under this afternoon. Shit.] used to post as the Anonymous Lobbyist until Gawker (Nick Denton's blog
She wrote for Jezebel and Wonkette, and did a damn fine job (warning, graphic pictures of real life), and then she was unceremoniously fired. A bunch of Wonkette commenters (Homofacist's Army) went on strike (three years ago), and we and Megan moved to Cynics' Party (don't bother clicking unless you want to see dead air space).
There's a lot of disagreement over whether the commenters make the blog, or whether the posts make the blog, and I'd say it's both. Many times commenters are taken for granted, and often (at least in the Gawker universe) commenters say, "Fuck you!" and leave for other sites.
Things at Cynics' Party were good. Good stuff started happening for Megan, and people got busy, which is good. No one at Cynics' Party was being paid. The posts slowed down to a painful drip, but people gotta eat, right?
So, Cynics' Party started to blow up or break down or whatever, and Nojo, tech maven extraordinaire, kept CP up and running (for free!) while keeping his day job, and an interesting thing happened at Cynics' Party -- we commenters became a community. Threadjacks were not only allowed but encouraged, and some of us have met in real life. FSM knows I wouldn't still be here if it weren't for the love, support and encouragement I've received from that online community.
So, yeah -- Cynics' Party started to blow up in a bad way (comments were disappearing, all manner of weirdness was happening), and two of the original bloggers (not Megan), came back after a long winter's nap and started acting all insane. They didn't want any more threadjacks, they wanted to shake up the blogger line up, and they posted the dumbest podcast I've ever heard.
Soooo, there was this big fight, and another commenter exodus ensued mainly because the site sucked ass in the sense that the mechanics of it were all dicked up, and we had evolved into something more than just a blog, and all that was about to change thanks to our absentee overlords (not Megan).
Sooooooo, off we went to Stinque, which is where we now reside. Stinque is *awesome*, and, as one commenter put it, "This entire blog is a threadjack." And it's true. And some of the smartest, kindest most wonderful people comment there. We're a bunch of disaffected progressives (we have a token Libertarian), and well, our progressiveness falls along a spectrum. I'm kind of like "Eat the rich," but most of the commenters are more sane. Most.
I write all that to say that one night I couldn't sleep. I went to the pharmacy at 3 AM to get some Lunesta, and some dude tried to pick me up at 3 AM outside the CVS while I was smoking and drinking a Coke, waiting for my prescription to be filled. Our conversation went a little like this:
Dude: Want some gum?
Me: Sure. Thanks.
Dude: What are you doing out here.
Me: I'm getting a prescription filled. You are soo fucked up!
Dude: Do I look that bad?
Me: Uh. Yeah.
Dude: Wanna party?
Me: I'm getting antibiotics.
Dude: Oh. Wanna party?
Me: I'm contagious.
Dude: Let's party.
Me: Dude, you are truly fucked up. Are you even good to drive? You need to go the hell home. Thanks for the gum.
When I got home and waited for the Lunesta to kick in, I wrote a series of comments at Cynics' Party about fighting the DJ. Those comments are now lost thanks to Cynics' Party blowing up and eating comments and other manners of weirdness, but RomeGirl (who has the Best. Travel Blog. Ever. And buy her book!) suggested that I start a blog and make each comment a post, so I did.
There was something beautiful and poetic about how I told the story the first time (drugs'll do that to you if you're lucky), and I know I won't be able to recapture that thing that compelled me to write the story in the first place. The conditions are different, and time has elapsed. But I'll try.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Goodbye, Daily Tally of ldschurch.org Lurking Asshattery
It is with a tear or two, and with a whole lotta relief, that I am now taking down the Daily Tally of ldschurch.org Lurking Asshattery. ::sigh::They haven't been by (officially) for at least ten days, so I think it's time to give the good ole boys in SLC a break. For awhile. I still plan on having Misogyny Day and Seed of Cain/Bigfoot Day in the near future, but I'm not going to stress myself out about them right now.
Instead, I'm going to knit, knit, knit and try to stay sane, sane, sane. And catblog, cuz that's how I roll.
The poll to the left is about to close. "How I Came up with the Name for this Blog" has a slight lead over "How I Got the Fuck out of Fundamentalist Christianity," so, there's still time to vote, but it looks like I'll have to tell you why I fight the DJ.
I'm going to apologize in advance -- the first telling was great. It was induced by insomnia, hypomania and The Lunesta Haze. I had to deep six it when I deep sixed my blog in a paranoid fit some time ago, but I'll try my best to recreate the story.
So, Goodbye, ldschurch.org! Hello, Why I Fight the DJ. Coming soon...
And Just Like *That*, My Mood Changes
This is actually a tattoo of the sun setting behind the Pacific, but we're going to pretend that it's the sun peeking through the clouds.
I'm off to the head doctor in a few hours, so relief is right around the corner! I've spoken to my county's Legal Aid office, and while they can't provide me with an attorney for my unemployment hearing, they will advise me on how best to represent myself. Huzzah! In order for them to help me, I had to gather all of my documents (which were scattered hither, thither and yon), so I feel better now knowing that they're all in one place, and I'll be able to find them later.
Still no word about my meds, but I'm not freaking out about them (at this moment), so, yay!
It's at times like these, I think of this:
Your Morning Dose of Boop and My Trip to CrazyTown
Here we find Boop stretching his aching bones after a long nap.
I took several long naps yesterday, because I tend to shut down when the going gets tough. In my case, when the going gets though, the tough get going to bed.
I called one lawyer -- can't afford him. I've reached out to Legal Aid to see if they can help me with my hearing. Yesterday was a holiday for most folks, so I guess I'll hear from them soon. I'm also going to reach out to NAMI to see what they can do.
Dad is taking me to the doctor this afternoon, and I contacted my ::cough:: insurance provider to see why my drugs aren't covered. Of course, my caseworker has to make any changes to my benefits, and she was off yesterday. Hopefully I'll get in touch with her today.
So, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it may not be an approaching train. We'll just have to wait and see.
To all of you who have sent me emails and notes of encouragement, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I promise to get back to you individually as soon as possible.
Again, my heart is full. Hopefully my head isn't empty. ;-)
Love,
JNOV
Monday, January 18, 2010
Your Morning Dose of Boop
Yes, we're back to cat blogging until I get my shit together.
Today we find Boop basking in the glow of a successful kill. No catnip-covered-fake-ass mouse stands a chance against this formidable killer.
Boop seems to have adjusted to life as an indoor cat, and he seems to have accepted his fate -- real-life kitty kills are now a part of his past. I think as long as we keep him in catnip, he'll be cool with that.
If I manage to reach out to my father for help, call the lawyer, call my insurance benefits department, make an appointment with my head doctor, etc., etc., I'll let you know. I know that each of these tasks are minor and can be tackled in turn. But I feel all freaked out because my insurance provider might give me the finger, I don't know how I'm going to pay a lawyer, and I hate, hate, hate asking my father for help. I was the smart strong one. Now I'm the dumb weak one. And he worries. It kills me to make him worry. But the last thing I need is another visit to the psych ward, so I'm going to work to avoid that.
So, there you have it. If you feel like adopting me, let me know. ;-)
Sunday, January 17, 2010
If You've Been Following My Blog for Awhile, You Know What This Graphic Means
The bipolar disorder and the PTSD are winning again. I hate losing. A lot.
I've got a hearing coming up with the unemployment office, and I'm worried. My father has prostate cancer and an as-yet-undiagnosed mass on his kidney, and I'm worried. My shitty state-sponsored medical insurance only covers birth control and diabetes meds; I need neither. I've been off one of my branded crazy meds for a month, I've been off my hypertension meds for almost three months, and I'm worried. Here comes the depression -- I feel it stalking me, and the panic attacks are pretty much non-stop. Yay!
My father already has so much on his plate, but I need to ask him to help me...again. I need him to find a NAMI lawyer who will represent me at my unemployment hearing. I need him to make an appointment for me with my head doctor and to pay for the visit. I'll probably need him to drive me, too, because when I get like this, I can't drive. Well, I can't drive far without losing my shit and coming home to hide. The world is scary. It used to be filled with wonder, but right now, I'm filled with fear.
My doctor can give me samples of the one branded crazy med I'm on. The others are generic, but they still cost a ton of money. The depressive component of my bipolar disorder is the equivalent of major depressive disorder, so they've brought out the big guns to beat back that black dog. So, he'll give me samples (yay!), but then it'll take a good two weeks for this med to work (boo!). I swear.
I used to try to comfort myself by thinking that what makes me crazy also makes me quirky and interesting and creative and maybe even smart, but that self-perception could just be the bipolar talking, you know, inflated ego and feelings of grandiosity. At times like these I'd settle for average, normal and not depressed. I used to think that if bipolar disorder was the price I had to pay for those talents I think I might possess, but maybe I don't, that price was fair. Now I'm not so sure.
So, yeah. I think I'd give up the intuitive leaps, the racing thoughts, the creative quirk, the musical talent and all that other stuff just to be a normal human being with a normal brain that doesn't sell me the fuck out whenever it chooses.
I've taken to my bed, but I've got so much to do. I'm so overwhelmed, and I hate being a burden. If anyone ever tries to tell you that psychic pain isn't as intense as physical pain, fucking punch them, okay?
Your Morning Dose of Boot
Wow. The past two days have been blogging hell. Today I need to do real-world stuff like go to BJ's (shut it!) and knit a stupid dog sweater and a scarf. And hopefully take a nice, long nap.
I hope you guys have a great day, and I'm sure we'll be in touch soon. Oh, and I re-opened the poll so you can vote on what you'd like me to blather on about, because cat blogging is a sin.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
A Few Choice Words from Today's First Troll
Kold_Kadavr_flatliner decided to grace us (or as he writes "U.S.") with his presence! Welcome, Kold_Kadavr_flatliner!
He had a few things to say in the comments:
Kold_Kadavr_flatliner said...God would LOVE to have you in the Great Beyond, but, alas, God also gave U.S. all free will: God knows the state of thy immortal soul. I don't. See my point? --- Now, lemme giveth unto thee some Good News: I hope you'll join me for a BIG-OL party celebrating our resurrection Upstairs on my drawbridge. God bless.
- Kold_Kadavr_flatliner said...
Correction: Jesus is THE Boss of U.S. whether you or anyone else disagrees, you'll still have to face Him. And that da fak, Jak -Stripes (with Bill Murray)
But what really interested me is this snippet from his blog (I wouldn't go there unless you really want to take a trip to Racist Religious Homophobic CrazyTown. If you're prone to epileptic seizures, do not visit his other website. And in case one blog and webpage aren't enough to ensure his salvation, we've got this):
You cannot live a double-life, America; you cannot sit on the fence acting all hypocriticalNself-rightous because you voted for the first Negro, supporting Barack's abortionNhomosexual agenda and receiving Holy Communion.
Uh. Okay. Thanks for stopping by! Please come again! And consider changing your name to "Kold_Kadavr_flatearther." I'm here to help. God bless!
Thank You for Joining Us Today
Phew! It was a busy night/morning, and I'm so glad you stopped by. Hopefully you learned something and felt incensed, perplexed and empathetic.
I'd like to thank Colleen Christensen Parkinson, flattopSF and Robert for sharing their stories and for hopefully shining a bright ass light on the LDS church's asshattery and the damage it has caused to so many GLBTQIA and straight people, both in and out of the church.
A special welcome and thanks to Measure76 and the folks at reddit, to Pam's House Blend for allowing me to blogwhore like a maniac and for their superb coverage of the Prop 8 federal suit, to Pharyngula (will someone please tell me how to pronounce that word?) for also allowing me to blogwhore, to all my FaceBook friends and Twitter Tweeps and to Recovery from Mormonism -- without RfM, none of this would have been possible.
My heart is full.
Love,
JNOV
PS Please excuse the typos -- I'm sure there are many. That's how I roll.
Of Murder and Suicide
[Ed. The following was stolen from flattopSF]
One of Matthew Shepard's murderers was a Mormon. Was he influenced by the cult's teachings? Who knows. Let's just say the cult, unlike other religious organizations, did not publicly decry the tragedy. Nope, From them there was only dead airspace. Maybe a bit of static...and this:
Of particular concern is the recent re-release of the pamphlet "To Young Men Only" which admonishes young LDS men to "protect themselves" by physically assaulting gays when confronted with their homosexuality. This was re-released at the same time as the Matthew Shepard murder trials. Very few people in the LDS Church are aware that one of the two young men convicted of Matthew Shepard's beating death was a young Mormon Priesthood holder. As parents of gay children, it is difficult for us to understand why the Church, in the face of the national attention surrounding Matthew Shepard's beating death, would re-release something as inflammatory, insensitive and troubling as this.
The Mormon church member who they are referring to was Russell A. Henderson. After his conviction, the cult decided to excommunicate him. What a gesture: create and use the tool, then discard it!
[Ed. Back to JNOV ]
The pamphlet they're referring to contains this language, written by Boyd K. Packer:
After patient encouragement he finally blurted out, "I hit my companion."
"Oh, is that all," I said in great relief.
"But I floored him," he said.
After learning a little more, my response was "Well, thanks. Somebody had to do it, and it wouldn't be well for a General Authority to solve the problem that way."
I am not recommending that course to you, but I am not omitting it. You must protect yourself.
There is a falsehood that some are born with an attraction to their own kind, with nothing they can do about it. They are just "that way" and can only yield to those desires. That is a malicious and destructive lie. While it is a convincing idea to some, it is of the devil. No one is locked into that kind of life. From our premortal life we were directed into a physical body. There is no mismatching of bodies and spirits. Boys are to become men—masculine, manly men—ultimately to become husbands and fathers. No one is predestined to a perverted use of these powers.
Henry Stuart Matis (1967-2000) killed himself at the Los Altos, CA LDS chapel in response to the Mormon church's involvement in Prop 22.
Affirmation has created a memorial to GLBTQ Mormons who have committed suicide. Their memorial was created in response to "four gay Mormons kill[ing] themselves within four weeks" in March 2000 "while leaders of the LDS Church were engaged in a costly anti-gay crusade in California...." They have compiled a list of church members who should never be forgotten.
This is what it all boils down to: Real people are simply trying to live their lives the best way they can. Being gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, queer, intersex or asexual is not a crime, and it's certainly not a crime against nature. It is nature in all its beauty and splendor and diversity.
It's time to stop worrying about who's putting what where, because it's nobody's damned business. And it's time religions STOP PREACHING HATE. So many religions foment violence against innocents who are just. trying. to. be. These religions also shame adherents into believing that they are other. That they are less than. That they are not worthy. That they are damned. That they must change the fiber of their beings to reach exaltation. Well, you know what? That's some bullshit right there. As soon as I can stop being brown (oh, wait), my GLBTQI brothers and sisters will start being straight.
No one chooses to be straight. No one chooses to be GLBTQI. It's just how we are. It's part of who we are, but it's not what defines us, no matter how hard the bastards try to box us in.
Human beings are lovely, complex and beautiful in their diversity and in their individuality. We are whom we are, and we love whom we love, and at the end of the day, we should be pleased that some of us are able to find meaningful and lasting love. That is the meaning of life.
To the Mormon Church, We Are All Gay
A person's sexuality is one of the quirkiest and unique things about them. You learn that if you change sex partners or if you catch someone telling the truth about what he or she likes and does sexually. Our sexuality is also, in important respects, a fundamental, deep and persistent part of our personal identity. So, it is with alarm and anger I have witnessed the Mormon Church over the years insist that people choose whether or not they are gay, and proceed to shame, cajole, or coerce them to adopt the church’s teachings and norms regarding sex and sexual identity, too often to the great harm of those people and their families.
The Mormon Church has insisted—although this has changed somewhat for the better recently—that gays choose their sexual orientation. To “help” their gay members make this “choice,” some of these men were encouraged to marry—essentially, to pass as straight. Such encouragement often resulted in betrayed wives, ashamed, guilty husbands, and heartbroken families. Other gays, desperate to change their sexual orientation, consented to aversion therapy administered at BYU, the church’s university. These men were instructed to look at the gay porn while electrical shocks were applied to their testicles or they were administered chemicals that made them vomit.
Many gay Mormons, feeling lonely, displaced, hopeless, and ashamed, killed themselves. Some still do. Mormonism is still not a gay-friendly culture.
According to some knowledgeable LDS observers, the church leadership has in recent years moved officially to a neutral position on the etiology of homosexuality and the Mormon Church is a more tolerant place for gays. Notwithstanding the official position, Mormon apologists, however, continue to argue homosexuality is a choice, perpetuating the backward, intolerant, and misguided attitudes and behaviors toward gays that have typically characterized the church.
Whether the church leadership’s failure to correct its apologists comes from a desire to avoid alienating loyal members, to avoid the implications to their authority of accepting scientific evidence, or for some other reason, their move toward neutrality should not cause us to forget that the Mormon Church strongly backed Proposition 8 in California, removing the rights of gay couples to marry.
By now you have probably noticed I am not the Mormon Church’s biggest fan. In the interests of disclosure and transparency, I’ll tell you why, and why, in my opinion, to the Mormon Church, we are all gay, even if we are straight. I was a Mormon convert at age 19. I attended BYU, I worked as a teacher at the
The Mormon leadership does not limit itself to regulating gays; it attempts to micromanage the sex lives of its straight members as well. Both youth and adults undergo periodic “worthiness interviews” by the male leader of their local congregation (bishop) to ensure they are living up to the standards of the church. Some of the questions inquire as to the member’s “moral cleanliness.” The bishop may ask in a general way, “Are you morally clean?” or, too often, he may ask very detailed questions. It depends on the bishop. The interviewee may be a boy or girl as young as 12, a teen, a married father or mother of six, or a grandmother or grandfather.
Interviews are done one-one-one behind closed doors, even with boys and girls. More than a few former Mormons report feeling violated by the process and identify it as a cause of sexual problems later in their lives. (Some former Mormons, including myself, believe this breaking down of boundaries makes young people more vulnerable to sexual abuse and to experiencing difficulty generally resisting intrusive demands.) Almost none of the bishops have any training in counseling and or sexology and too often advice or counsel coming out of the interview is uninformed not outright harmful.
The Mormon Church prohibits masturbation and any sex outside of marriage. Young men are given stern warnings against masturbation and were once told it leads to homosexuality. Sex outside of marriage is strongly condemned and extramarital sex is characterized as a “sin next to murder” in seriousness. If you are unlucky enough to never marry you are expected to remain celibate your entire life. Gays, of course, are also relegated to a lifetime of celibacy because they are prohibited from marrying.
Not even sex between married couples escapes church scrutiny. Couples married in a Mormon temple are told to “refrain from every unholy and impure practice.” While the ceremony doesn’t specify what those unholy and impure practices might be, in January 1982 the church president at the time issued a letter stating, "The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice. If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it." Eventually, the letter was withdrawn, apparently due to complaints by local leaders that the instruction was too explicit and intrusive.
However, the prohibition against “unholy and impure practices” remains, with oral sex implicitly continuing to be one of them. A recent Mormon Church president, Gordon B. Hinckley said
, "Married persons should understand that if in their marital relations they are guilty of unnatural, impure, or unholy practices, they should not enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such practices. Husbands and wives who are aware of these requirements can determine by themselves their standing before the Lord."
I myself was unfortunate enough to run afoul of this Mormon purity rule when I was a newly married husband. As a convert, I wasn’t raised Mormon and was unaware of the prohibition and inhibitions of Mormon sex. (Not that it would have helped much had I been raised Mormon, as there seems to be very little frank talk about sex in Mormonism, anyway.) Naturally, I was excited about sex with my wife. I hadn’t had sex before becoming a Mormon. I admit this was due to my being quite shy and anxious rather than my great moral rectitude; in fact, I felt relieved Mormonism provided me with a comforting rationale for my fear of sex. Still, I was looking forward to trying some things out and one of those things was oral sex.
It was after this experimentation the condemning letter from
It wasn’t until some time after I left Mormonism I started to become relaxed about sex and started to figure out what I like and don’t. My sexual ethics these days are straightforward and not overly-complicated (although I think some people would characterize my standards as “low”): Sex is consensual for all parties and none of the activities result in medical or psychiatric intervention.
So, to my gay friends and to the gay community, if it is any comfort, you are not alone. Some of us straight people, particularly many of us former Mormons, have also experienced, at least in part, sexual scrutiny and oppression, and while we may not experience it as constantly and intensely as you do, we “get it.” As for the Mormon Church, it is a profound failure of empathy and humanity that the sexual outcasts of the 19th century cannot see gays as fellow human beings who deserve tolerance and full civil rights.
Part 4/4: Holy asshole, Batman, what's that? That, Boy Wonder, is an @$$-Holy-O.
For all their own whining about persecution, those Mormon @$$-Holy-O's sure know how to stick it to everyone else. Now we have Mormon @$$-Holy-O's rampaging across the country making everyone else's home state a stinking hole of Mormon values, just like theirs.
If you see a hole when you’re crossing the road and you fall into it, who is responsible for that — you or the hole?
For my first 23 years, adherence to Mormonism and its whack-job rituals determined my entire existence.
Birthdays were celebrated by ritual advancements: baptism, ordinations, mission. Indoctrination starts early. Jesus wants me for a Sun-BEAM!
Sundays were occupied in ritual remembrance of Jesus’ apocryphal ritual suicide. OMG...again? The guy died 2,000 years ago—get over it already!
In their temples, Holocaust victims' spirits were rescued for eternity through ritual holy handshakes and through-the-veil groping. So were the spirits of all their Nazi murderers. "We interrupt you for this short announcement: The Final Solution is now being played out in Planet Kolob's Celestial City. All interested bigots, please report there immediately. Thank you."
In daily life, simple tragedies like car accidents, cuts and bruises, rabid dog attacks, and speeding bullets were averted through the ritual wearing of holy underwear. Holy underwear, Batman!
The common cold, mental disturbances, and various other maladies, ailments, addictions and afflictions were magically “cured” through ritual incantations: rancid olive oil rubbed into the scalp, and a half-hearted prayer muttered by some uncaring half-worthy Peter Penishood...boy! I feel better already!
But I had a condition no amount of ritual could cure. A condition, it turned out, that was so diabolically natural, common and benign that, having been trapped, bound, and blinded by the craven irrationality of Mormon ritual, I turned myself inside out and damn near almost killed myself trying to excise it. Until one day when I understood that I must choose between living an insane obsessive-compulsive neurosis, or just simply living. My condition fixed me: I stepped sideways and avoided that hole in the road.
Heterosexual Mormons try to claim that being gay is a lifestyle choice, but as with so many other things they’re too Mormy-centric and 19th-century and ignorant and sheltered to know what the hell they’re talking about. The decision is not whether one will be gay or heterosexual. There's no deciding those things.
The choice which must be made is whether or not one will live an authentic life.
Throw the Mormon church out and start living beautifully. Life is too short for stupid ugly junk.
8^D
Ed. Created by Kerry Rutz.
Part 3/4: Rewriting that DULL AS DIRT Temple Script.
And flattopSF went forth and lived in this garden known as the Real World, wherein were placed all manner of fruits, flowers, and vegetation. Of every tree of the garden flattopSF freely ate.Life became worth living. And let me tell you, it's been good. I have been blessed beyond my dreams. But one day...:
And of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, flattopSF did taste of some of the fruit of that tree. In fact, he did taste of extra-large portions in abundance.
And yea, he found that it was delicious to the taste and very desirable. And yea, then it came to pass that flattopSF realized with a surety that Mormon doG was a goddamned liar, for in that very first taste he knew there was nothing wrong with the gay existence of flattopSF.
One day in 2001 I was on the phone with my mother and had just run down the list of the Mormons’ anti-gay campaigns across the nation...Alaska, Hawai'i, Vermont, and California, with Proposition 22—the “Knight Initiative”. I spelled out how much of her tithing money it had cost.
She said: "That is a lie."
I said: "Excuse me, did you just call me a liar?"
The phone got real quiet for about a minute.
She said: "Yes. That is a lie."
I said: "That's the second time in my life you've called me a liar. It just proves the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is up to, doesn't it? I didn't know you were in the habit of reading the investigative articles in the San Francisco and Los Angeles newspapers [she lives in the Midwest]."
She said: "I'm not and I don't need to, to know what I know. I don't believe they're doing what you said they did. You're just making these things up to start fights with us whenever you call. They got up in church and read a statement telling us that we should love our homosexual family members."
I said: "Since when do you need permission from your church to love your own son?"
I knew then my mother had abandoned her son for her church. A couple of months later I received an extremely manipulative 12-page letter from her, and never heard from her again.
I was done with that.
I'm worth more than that.
8^D
Ed. Created by Kerry Rutz.
Part 2/4: You're not the boss of me. I am.
Mormons tell me that if I run my life their way and succeed a little it’s through no virtue of my own: it’s because their god favored me. And I should have tried harder anyway. But if I run my life their way and fail it’s my own fault: I’m not worthy of success. Fucked without a kiss if I do, and fucked without a kiss if I don't. Subtext is everything when it comes to trying to understand the Mormon church.Here’s what happened before I came out of the closet:
I sat through 23 years of Mormon Sacrament Meetings, Stake Conferences, and General Conference broadcasts during which I was gently and regularly reminded that people like me need to be beaten up for my own good (Packer. To Young Men Only. General Conference Priesthood Session, October 2, 1976). That loving another man made me worse than a murderer (Kimball. Miracle of Forgiveness. Bookcraft, 1969). That I was better off dead (Kimball. Love Versus Lust. BYU Devotional, January 5, 1965).
My TBM older brother figured me out. Three times before I was 23 he tried to kill me with his fists, on the advice of the aforementioned church leaders. He failed. I guess his Mormon doG wasn't guiding his fists. I guess he must have been unworthy. Mormon doG works that way, you know. Pity. I decided I didn’t need to acknowledge TBM older brother's Pre-existence, his Present-existence, or his Post-existence. At all.
Here’s what happened after I came out of the closet:
My TBM mother went into deep-space orbit. We could send a NASA probe to Uranus a lot faster if we'd tied the spaceship to her anus. Tantrums. Pouting. More tantrums. Attempted manipulation. More tantrums. Whatever.
My TBM younger brother ran hot-and-cold for 15 years on whether I was an asset or a liability to his pathetic dating life. Can we say “conflicted”? After I paid for his wedding, I got dissed. Something about his new wife thinking “gay” was contagious.
Shunned or avoided by 90% of the Mormons I knew, even when I saw them on the street which was thankfully not often. I became the object of gossip and conjecture! I’m so glad I later had the opportunity to experience all the things they were saying I’d done already.
One TBM “friend” claimed "it doesn't matter!" Then she assumed that quitting the church and coming out of the closet meant I suddenly had no moral standards whatsoever, and took huge liberties with my generosity after she got herself unemployed, bankrupted, repossessed, and evicted. My response: "No, I can’t pay your bills for you. Especially since you're already living under my roof rent-free, eating my food and not contributing, and bar-hopping all night with your girlfriends, while I make sure your seventeen year-old son gets to work and school on time every morning. Buh-bye!"
Another TBM “friend” and his family re-edited all our conversations inside their own heads: apparently the word "gay" was miraculously blocked at the eardrum as they tried to emotionally blackmail me back into the church. They introduced me to several BYU co-eds under the assumption that one of them would instantly "cure" me. Failing that, he informed me that my lack of cooperation with his method of spiritual guidance was making him look bad to his kids. What the hell?!?
<<click. dial tone>>
8^D
Part 1/4: flattopSF’s Top Ten Super-Gay Reasons He’s Not A Mormon Anymore
1. Does anything they believe make any sense? Fourteen-year-old sees doG the Father, Jeebus H. Christ, and Casper the Holy Ghost? Riiiiiiiight. Eternal Polygamy Math, anyone? 1+ 34 = Prophet! (And Mormons accuse teh gheyz of being promiscuous?!? Sheesh!) Here’s some Free Agency: I want some of whatever Smith was smokin’. It musta been good. 2. God? doG? Either way you look at “him,” anything that demands THAT much devotion from you and gives absolutely nothing back is seriously dysfunctional. See a psychologist and learn to develop REAL relationships.
3. Because who needs to live their life according to what some pathetic bigoted murderous old redneck corporate thugs 1,500 miles away dictate? Shove a cricket-choked seagull up your collective puckers, @$$-holy-O douchebags.
4. Because there are a lot of better things to do with 10% of your hard-earned income. Shopping and lunch, anyone?
5. Because let's face it: churchchurchchurchchurchchurchchurchchurch seven days a week is not only mind-numbingly boring, it leaves you no time to have a life. When do they even have time to fuckin' fuck and make all those kids?
6. Because those temple clothes are a really big fashion don’t. Really. Big. Faux Greek Baker meets Fig Leaf? It looks Too-pud on thin people and it looks Poppin’ Fresh on tubby ones. Eew. If that's the celestial garb, send me to hell now. I'll take a stark-naked real-live Greek any day of the week, thanks.
7. Because any group of people who would censor a Rodin sculpture and call it pornographic are uncultured rubes at best and idiot hillbilly philistines at worst.
8. Because Mormon women are simply way too conflicted to mold into adequate fag-hags.
9. Because Mormon men are so infected with the Power of their Holey Penishood that they‘re knuckle-draggingly unattractive in every way. (OMG, how superficial was that?)
10. Because I'm gay. If that ain't good enough for them, well too fuckin’ bad.
Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly,
flattopSF loves another gay man, no lie.
Won‘t stop lovin’ that man o‘ mine.
8^D
Ed. Created by Kerry Rutz.
In Her Own Words (Part 5 of 5)
A lot has happened in the past 14 years (since he left), the past 25 (since we married) and the past 27 since I found out he is gay. About six years ago, my good friend's daughter was getting married. She told me every time something would go wrong with the wedding plans that her daughter would say, "The church is still true, so what does it matter?" I couldn't get that thought out of my mind. I finally sat down and wrote in my journal that IT MATTERED. It mattered to me. I had based all my life decisions on Mormonism and it had led me here.
For a time when my husband first left, I hated him and I hated all gays. I felt that they had done this to me and that he should have stayed -- that I would let God figure it out. As I kept my distance from the LDS church, the "programming" died. Little by little, the fog lifted until one day about five years ago, one of those non-Mormon guys from my past had suddenly appeared back in my life.
I had tried many times to go back to the LDS church for a few weeks at a time, but I would always become confused and realize that when I had done everything humanly possible to live a good life, this is what had happened. For a week, I emailed my boyfriend from my past trying to explain to him why I no longer believed. He couldn't believe it, as he had known how devout I was 28 years before when I had dated him. I finally told him some of the things the leaders had done to me, and he then believed me.
That week, whatever last beliefs I held onto fell apart. I knew I no longer believed in any fashion -- that they had been wrong. I didn't know any history. I didn't know all the "facts" that Mormonism is untrue. The only thing I knew, as my therapist says, is that I had tested Mormonism to its very limits and it had failed me.
Over the years, my ex and I have made peace and became best friends. I let go of believing that he was somehow flawed and that someday God would give me my answers. I don't know how I came to that point. I credit a lot of it to the fact that I love him. I was willing to see his pain. I saw his struggles. I KNOW that if there is anyone out there who wanted to have the "dream" Mormonism promises, it was my ex. He will still defend Mormonism, but I see how much damage it did to him.
He has lived a double life since a young age and I see the damage. I can't really explain what brought me [to Wildflowers] and it just occurred to me, LOVE. Love brought me here. Loving someone enough to let them go. My relationship with my ex is more than enough, more than anyone could ever have told me it would be. I love him unselfishly. I just want him to be happy -- as a gay man.
Me, I have the "love of my life" back: the non-Mormon I let go at age 20. Our kids love their dad and have a great relationship with him. We always do things together.
I still love my ex-husband so. All I ever wanted for him is that he is happy, and now he is. I will NEVER be able to embrace a religion that would tell me that he isn't okay just as he is, that he isn't worthy and has no value because he is gay.
What I do know is that gays only want what straights have. Being gay is not just about having sex like the LDS church would like us to believe. It is the whole relationship: sexual, physical, mental, emotional, psychological. If I ask my husband to change from being gay, he ceases to exist because being gay is an essential part of who he is.
It was some months later that my therapist told me about Recovery from Mormonism. Until then, I had no clue about a lot of the "issues" in Mormonism. I had found just from life experience, from loving a gay man and where that led me, my experiences, the hell we went through to find the peace we have now. Now we have the relationship we always should have had, as friends.
In Her Own Words (Part 4 of 5)
We went to more therapy. The therapist told us to make pros and cons lists of why we should get a divorce. I made a huge list, but my reasons for getting a divorce had nothing to do with him being gay. He didn't even make a list; he told the therapist that he couldn't BE DIVORCED and he couldn't imagine his life without me. Just as I'd get stable, feeling like things wouldn't change, he'd tell me he was leaving (usually on holidays or birthdays). I'd get prepared for him to leave, and he'd say, "I'm not leaving."
One Christmas, things were uneasy. On January 3rd, I walked in my bedroom, and I knew something was wrong. I walked over to his side of the closet, opened the door, and everything was gone. He had left me a taped message by my computer. He came back the next day, came home the following Monday and told me he wanted a divorce. I kicked him out.
He lived with some friends for a few months, but we decided to have the basement finished so he could move back and we could raise our kids together, but he had already met someone new. My husband moved back in, and this "friend" of his moved to California. In October, my husband said he couldn't be away from this guy, so I said "Go—go to California and see if you are happy."
He went. He cried the whole time he was gone.
I had gone inactive before my husband left when the bishop of our ward had told me my husband would be one of the next bishops. I knew he was cheating although he was executive secretary, but I refused to go to LDS church leaders again. It was very damaging before we were married to go to the church leaders, especially when they not only DID NOT HAVE ANY ANSWERS, but they had the wrong answers. It was very damaging to me to have them as voyeurs in my life and part of the reason I married my husband was to get them out of our lives so we could figure this out.
In Her Own Words (Part 3 of 5)
We had twins 14-1/2 months later--a boy and a girl. He had been told as a child that his first child would be twins. That was the first thing he asked the doctor when we went to the first appointment, "Is it twins?" In so many ways it seemed our life was charmed. We got the house we wanted, our children were robust and healthy even born a month early. I landed a job that made it possible for me to work at home ... the list goes on and on.
When our children turned 6, he told me that he had been cheating on me since 2-1/2 years into the marriage. We went through therapy through a well-known psychiatrist in Salt Lake City, and now I suspect that psychiatrist was gay although married. He would tell me that we had a chance all the while telling my husband "You are nice looking; you can easily find a partner."
We made it through that situation. We determined to stay together. I gave him leeway -- I didn't want him to go and he didn't want to go. I had learned early on that his gay attraction and his cheating had nothing to do with me (but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt). This was between him and God, and I loved him. We WERE --and I mean this from the bottom of my heart--WERE the best of friends. We were close, closer than most couples we knew. Of course, we had our issues that all couples have, but he was the one I always turned to, and he to me, emotionally.
He had a hard family life and we were everything to him. He was an EXCELLENT father. My children still tell me how they had such a happy childhood—they spent hours and hours hiking the hills, hunting bones, lighting fires up the canyon, and we went on trips. He bought an old camper and fixed it up and we camped all the time.
It was always hide-and-seek when dad came home: the children would hear him come in the garage and they would hide, and he would hunt them down. If he got home and we weren't here, he'd hide and they'd find him. We had a really good life. Why let it go?
He was also in many church callings. He is the outgoing one and I'm the "reserved" one. We had a lot of friends in the ward, and I had several people tell me that he was the nicest person they had ever met. They adored him.
Then my older brother had a brain hemorrhage while going to University of Utah at age 42. I went down several times a week to go to rehabilitation with him. My husband met me on Friday evening in Primary Children's Medical Center parking lot so he could go to a Family Fellowship Conference while I took the kids home with me. He came home on Sunday and told me that divorce was inevitable.
In Her Own Words (Part 2 of 5)
I fell into a suicidal depression over this situation. I talked to the bishop over and over again. I did typing for the bishop and we were already good friends beforehand, and my boyfriend was the financial clerk, so I spent a lot of time sorting through things with the bishop. I didn't feel like I could tell anyone else. I felt completely and totally alone.
It was a huge burden. I was suicidal for a year thinking about how God could put something like this on the Earth and not have a solution for it. How could this person be damned if there were no answers? I saw God as an authority figure sitting at His judgment bench with his gavel. But as time went by, my feelings changed. My belief system completely changed. I had to deal with all the things that had happened in his past and learn to forgive him for it. I had to either let him go or stick it out. He asked me over and over to wait for him to work through his problems and that he'd always dreamed I'd come into his life to share his burden.
The bishop and other church leaders were supportive of this relationship. For one thing, I was told that if he didn't change, he would be damned. I was also told that not even 1 in 10 "make it." So, basically, he was damned. At that time, the LDS church considered even claiming gay attraction was a sin.
The bishop felt that we could see if he could be attracted to a female. I got the idea that the attitude was (in 1983) that if a gay could just have sex with a woman, he'd never go back -- that they had just had sex with the wrong gender first (my ex had had sex with men since a young age, many mormon gays have not had sex with anyone in their 20s).
So the bishop asked me to experiment with him: just give him "free rein," and he would work with my boyfriend and me. He assigned my boyfriend to take me out and then French kiss me, but not to tell me, that it should appear spontaneous. My boyfriend knew I had never French kissed anyone before because I was afraid I'd have to repent to my bishop. I lived in absolute fear of bishop interviews all my life. Suffice it to say, my boyfriend had the sense to tell me the bishop's plan. Well, I wanted to save him, so I went along.
After that, the bishop gave us more "assignments," and I was very uneasy about it, but I was also suicidally depressed. Nobody knew my boyfriend was gay but the leaders, my boyfriend and me, and I had no one to talk to. I can still see the bishop shaking his head and saying, "But we have to do it this way," when I would voice my concerns about "chastity." I was never comfortable with doing much, so I didn't. At one point, the bishop even told us we could do anything up to intercourse and he would make sure we were able to go through the temple.
I dated more the year after my boyfriend told me he was gay than in my entire life (probably because I was so distracted that I really didn't care), when lo and behold, I met someone new. This person scared my gay boyfriend and, after I moved to get away from the situation, he asked me OVER THE PHONE while I was at work to marry him.
I spent the next day in bed. A very good friend--who was another bishop that I worked with--gave me a blessing. He promised me that my husband would never leave me. He said to me, "How would you feel if God gave you this and you turned your back on it." I know he said this only because he truly believed it and still does. I was already STUCK.
The bishop of our ward told me that it would be okay -- that if I had any doubts in my mind, to put them aside. The LDS Social Services therapist told me that it would be okay if we got married, to just not worry about it. I just realized this past summer that once I was in the situation -- there was no other choice -- I had to go forward. I had to take the chance. I had to give this person more in his life than I saw the gay world as offering him. I said yes. When I finally said yes, I had joy that I had never felt before. I had my doubts -- many, many, many, many doubts as the three months passed to our wedding day, but the day I went to the temple for the first time, those doubts flew out the window. My suicidal depression went away while in the temple. The day I married him was one of the happiest days of my life. Everyone told me that I couldn't have this—and here it was MINE.
In Her Own Words: Colleen Christensen Parkinson's Story (Part 1 of 5)
Colleen Christensen Parkinson is an ex-Mormon who grew up in Brigham City, Utah and now resides in Hyrum, Utah. This is her story:
I think the thing that surprised me the most by the story I read on Wildflowers (ex-wives of gay Mormons) is that there are still women marrying gays in the Mormon church -- let alone in the world -- when things are so much more open now. When my story started, I thought all gays lived in San Francisco and that they were a limited bunch. I had even had a heated debate with a Catholic friend of mine about gays a few years before I started dating my future husband.
I had been in a singles ward for several years. I had been presented several opportunities to marry to men outside the church, but I wanted the "for time and all eternity" marriage. I wanted to be assured that I would never be alone, that I would never lose the man I loved, and so I held out for that "dream."
I was giving up on that singles ward when in early June of 1982 I had a dream about someone that I would meet in my ward. A month later, I had another dream that that person who would be my husband would be at church the next day. The dream was so vivid that I waited in the foyer watching each person come in. I finally went into opening exercises late and sat down by a friend on the back row. Within minutes, another friend of mine came in with someone new and they sat down right next to me -- with the new person sitting RIGHT next to me. It was crowded on the bench, so it was rather obvious that he was the one. I was never one to pursue guys or flirt, but this was the one I had dreamed about and so I made an effort to get to know him, and it wasn't long before we were friends and then began dating.
After seven months of dating, I was confused about where things were going, so I confronted this guy as to how serious he was about our relationship, and it was then that he told me that he was gay. I remember staring out the window of his apartment and thinking, "I'm not my mother's little girl anymore."
Prop 8 and The Mormon Church
California is one of many states that allows voters to write legislation and change the state constitution through the initiative or proposition process. Sounds like democracy in action, right? Wrong. Wealthy interest groups or individuals, often out of state (e.g. Ward Connerly's meddling in Michigan and Washington State), bankroll these initiatives and propositions: it's not like Joe Blow down the street usually has the time, inclination, money or know-how when it comes to putting propositions on the ballot. Big money and special interests are almost always at work.
The precursor to Proposition 8 was Proposition 22 enacted in 2000, and invalidated by the California Supreme Court as unconstitutional in May 2008. Prop 8 was introduced to change the state constitution so that GLBTQ Californians could no longer have marriage equality. Prop 8 passed in November 2008 and was upheld by the California Supreme Court on May 25, 2009, but all of California's same-sex couples who were wed before Prop 8 went into effect are still legally married.
There is currently a federal case, Perry v. Schwarzenegger, before the US District Court. Pam's House Blend is providing spectacular coverage and analysis of the case as it unfolds.
The following letter was sent from the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (that's them up there) to Church leaders in California to be read to all congregations on 29 June 2008 in preparation for the vote on Prop 8:
Preserving Traditional Marriage and Strengthening Families
In March 2000 California voters overwhelmingly approved a state law providing that ‘Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.’ The California Supreme Court recently reversed this vote of the people. On November 4, 2008, Californians will vote on a proposed amendment to the California state constitution that will now restore the March 2000 definition of marriage approved by the voters. The Church’s teachings and position on this moral issue are unequivocal. Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, and the formation of families is central to the Creator’s plan for His children. Children are entitled to be born within this bond of marriage. A broad-based coalition of churches and other organizations placed the proposed amendment on the ballot. The Church will participate with this coalition in seeking its passage. Local Church leaders will provide information about how you may become involved in this important cause. We ask that you do all you can to support the proposed constitutional amendment by donating of your means and time to assure that marriage in California is legally defined as being between a man and a woman. Our best efforts are required to preserve the sacred institution of marriage.
Want to learn about some more Mormon meddling political asshattery? Then click here.
When in Doubt, Kick Them Out!
Some GLBTQ Mormons wish to stay in the church, and Affirmation is a group of activist GLBTQ Mormons (some still active in the church, some who have left due to excommunication or of their own volition) who believe:
in the worth of every soul regardless of their sexual or gender orientation. We rejoice in life. We reject the tyranny that would have us believe that who we are—gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender—is evil or wrong. We affirm that we are all children of loving Heavenly Parents; that our sexual orientation and identity are not an accident, but rather a special gift from God. Our lives and our relationships can be compatible with the Gospel and are a special part of God’s creation.
Despite their efforts, most GLBTQ Mormons are excommunicated if they come out to church authorities and continue their "gay ways." Gamofites, a group of gay Mormon fathers, faced excommunication, and their accounts of church harassment and excommunication were the subject of a Nightline Special, "Gay Mormons Face Excommunication."
These men recount their attempts to abstain from all but church-sanctioned hetero sex, they married and had children, some underwent "reparativetherapy torture," to try and fix something that doesn't need fixing, but what they really want and need is to be accepted as the people they are. They're hoping and praying the church will change, but the likelihood of that happening is slim to none in a church that doesn't even recognize the existence of bisexual or transgender members. Gotta be a temple-worthy, tithe-paying breeder to get into the Celestial Kingdom. Sorry!
These men recount their attempts to abstain from all but church-sanctioned hetero sex, they married and had children, some underwent "reparative
What Do Head Honcho Mormons Say about GLBTQIA Members?
Spencer W. Kimball (dead LDS Prophet, Seer and Revelator) promised that if you masturbate, you'll evolve into a homosexual:
Prophets anciently and today condemn masturbation. It induces feelings of guilt and shame. It is detrimental to spirituality. It indicates slavery to the flesh, not that mastery of it and the growth toward godhood which is the object of our mortal life. Our modern prophet has indicated that no young man should be called on a mission who is not free from this practice. What is more, it too often leads to grievous sin, even to that sin against nature, homosexuality. For, done in private, it evolves often into mutual masturbation-practiced with another person of the same sex and thence into total homosexuality....
More Spencer (kick out the gays):
The Miracle of Forgiveness, 1969, pp. 81–82; italics in original.Let it therefore be clearly stated that the seriousness of the sin of homosexuality is equal to or greater than that of fornication or adultery; and that the Lord’s Church will as readily take action to disfellowship or excommunicate the unrepentant practicing homosexual as it will the unrepentant fornicator or adulterer
And yet more Spencer -- here he recommends the death penalty for homosexuality:
I do not find in the Bible the modern terms "petting" nor "homosexuality," yet I found numerous scriptures which forbade such acts under by whatever names they might be called. I could not find the term "homosexuality," but I did find numerous places where the Lord condemned such a practice with such vigor that even the death penalty was assessed.
Guess who! Spencer warns that homosexuals are looking for converts:
Homosexuality is an ugly sin, but because of its prevalence, the need to warn the uninitiated, and the desire to help those who may already be involved with it, it must be brought into the open.
Can't get enough Spencer? Here civilization is going down the shitter because of homosexuality:
This heinous homosexual sin is of the ages. Many cities and civilizations have gone out of existence because of it.7
Boyd Packer (President of those 12 Quorum guys) on gay bashing -- it's encouraged because those gays are asking for it:
After patient encouragement he finally blurted out, "I hit my companion."
"Oh, is that all," I said in great relief.
"But I floored him," he said.
After learning a little more, my response was "Well, thanks. Somebody had to do it, and it wouldn't be well for a General Authority to solve the problem that way."
I am not recommending that course to you, but I am not omitting it. You must protect yourself.
There is a falsehood that some are born with an attraction to their own kind, with nothing they can do about it. They are just "that way" and can only yield to those desires. That is a malicious and destructive lie. While it is a convincing idea to some, it is of the devil. No one is locked into that kind of life. From our premortal life we were directed into a physical body. There is no mismatching of bodies and spirits. Boys are to become men—masculine, manly men—ultimately to become husbands and fathers. No one is predestined to a perverted use of these powers.
Elder Richard G. Scott (one of those 12 Quorum guys) -- extramarital sex will turn you into a homosexual:
However, those intimate acts are forbidden by the Lord outside the enduring commitment of marriage because they undermine His purposes. 7 Within the sacred covenant of marriage, such relationships are according to His plan. When experienced any other way, they are against His will. They cause serious emotional and spiritual harm. Even though participants do not realize that is happening now, they will later.Sexual immorality creates a barrier to the influence of the Holy Spirit with all its uplifting, enlightening, and empowering capabilities. It causes powerful physical and emotional stimulation. In time that creates an unquenchable appetite that drives the offender to ever more serious sin. It engenders selfishness and can produce aggressive acts such as brutality, abortion, sexual abuse, and violent crime. Such stimulation can lead to acts of homosexuality, and they are evil and absolutely wrong. 8
Kaye T. Hanson (I have no idea who she is) defines "sex perversion":
The Lord specifically forbids certain behaviors, including all sexual relations before marriage, petting, sex perversion (such as homosexuality, rape, and incest), masturbation, or preoccupation with sex in thought, speech, or action”
Asshats.
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