A lot has happened in the past 14 years (since he left), the past 25 (since we married) and the past 27 since I found out he is gay. About six years ago, my good friend's daughter was getting married. She told me every time something would go wrong with the wedding plans that her daughter would say, "The church is still true, so what does it matter?" I couldn't get that thought out of my mind. I finally sat down and wrote in my journal that IT MATTERED. It mattered to me. I had based all my life decisions on Mormonism and it had led me here.
For a time when my husband first left, I hated him and I hated all gays. I felt that they had done this to me and that he should have stayed -- that I would let God figure it out. As I kept my distance from the LDS church, the "programming" died. Little by little, the fog lifted until one day about five years ago, one of those non-Mormon guys from my past had suddenly appeared back in my life.
I had tried many times to go back to the LDS church for a few weeks at a time, but I would always become confused and realize that when I had done everything humanly possible to live a good life, this is what had happened. For a week, I emailed my boyfriend from my past trying to explain to him why I no longer believed. He couldn't believe it, as he had known how devout I was 28 years before when I had dated him. I finally told him some of the things the leaders had done to me, and he then believed me.
That week, whatever last beliefs I held onto fell apart. I knew I no longer believed in any fashion -- that they had been wrong. I didn't know any history. I didn't know all the "facts" that Mormonism is untrue. The only thing I knew, as my therapist says, is that I had tested Mormonism to its very limits and it had failed me.
Over the years, my ex and I have made peace and became best friends. I let go of believing that he was somehow flawed and that someday God would give me my answers. I don't know how I came to that point. I credit a lot of it to the fact that I love him. I was willing to see his pain. I saw his struggles. I KNOW that if there is anyone out there who wanted to have the "dream" Mormonism promises, it was my ex. He will still defend Mormonism, but I see how much damage it did to him.
He has lived a double life since a young age and I see the damage. I can't really explain what brought me [to Wildflowers] and it just occurred to me, LOVE. Love brought me here. Loving someone enough to let them go. My relationship with my ex is more than enough, more than anyone could ever have told me it would be. I love him unselfishly. I just want him to be happy -- as a gay man.
Me, I have the "love of my life" back: the non-Mormon I let go at age 20. Our kids love their dad and have a great relationship with him. We always do things together.
I still love my ex-husband so. All I ever wanted for him is that he is happy, and now he is. I will NEVER be able to embrace a religion that would tell me that he isn't okay just as he is, that he isn't worthy and has no value because he is gay.
What I do know is that gays only want what straights have. Being gay is not just about having sex like the LDS church would like us to believe. It is the whole relationship: sexual, physical, mental, emotional, psychological. If I ask my husband to change from being gay, he ceases to exist because being gay is an essential part of who he is.
It was some months later that my therapist told me about Recovery from Mormonism. Until then, I had no clue about a lot of the "issues" in Mormonism. I had found just from life experience, from loving a gay man and where that led me, my experiences, the hell we went through to find the peace we have now. Now we have the relationship we always should have had, as friends.
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