We went to more therapy. The therapist told us to make pros and cons lists of why we should get a divorce. I made a huge list, but my reasons for getting a divorce had nothing to do with him being gay. He didn't even make a list; he told the therapist that he couldn't BE DIVORCED and he couldn't imagine his life without me. Just as I'd get stable, feeling like things wouldn't change, he'd tell me he was leaving (usually on holidays or birthdays). I'd get prepared for him to leave, and he'd say, "I'm not leaving."
One Christmas, things were uneasy. On January 3rd, I walked in my bedroom, and I knew something was wrong. I walked over to his side of the closet, opened the door, and everything was gone. He had left me a taped message by my computer. He came back the next day, came home the following Monday and told me he wanted a divorce. I kicked him out.
He lived with some friends for a few months, but we decided to have the basement finished so he could move back and we could raise our kids together, but he had already met someone new. My husband moved back in, and this "friend" of his moved to California. In October, my husband said he couldn't be away from this guy, so I said "Go—go to California and see if you are happy."
He went. He cried the whole time he was gone.
I had gone inactive before my husband left when the bishop of our ward had told me my husband would be one of the next bishops. I knew he was cheating although he was executive secretary, but I refused to go to LDS church leaders again. It was very damaging before we were married to go to the church leaders, especially when they not only DID NOT HAVE ANY ANSWERS, but they had the wrong answers. It was very damaging to me to have them as voyeurs in my life and part of the reason I married my husband was to get them out of our lives so we could figure this out.
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